Nice Matters

Or, Why Gluten-Free Vegans Bug the Shit Out of Me.

Gluten? The fuck?

Okay, here’s the thing: if you have celiac disease and actually can’t digest gluten, then that’s one thing. That really fucking sucks for you, but you’re getting by just fine eating a lot of Asian food and probably even eat meat. I know a few of you.

But if you are just a control freak who “recently discovered” you’re allergic to gluten, just go fuck yourself. I’m sorry. Did you spend your whole life having explosive diarrhea every time you ate a piece of bread, and waited until you were in your 20s to get that looked at? Or did you just wake up one day and go, “Gee, I really wish I could eliminate one more thing from a diet that is so restrictive that it completely defies evolutionary biology. Let’s see what my naturopath thinks!”

You’ll never be a real chef, but enjoy eating your spelt and tofu doused in Bragg’s Liquid Aminos and brewer’s yeast and pretend that the French aren’t laughing their asses off at you.

Okay, people who don’t know me: don’t fly off the handle about this post. This is my Louis Black-style humor. Seriously, don’t be a twat.