A Letter to Anonymous

“ew..i hope this happens to your unborn child as well” – Anonymous

This was a comment left by one “Anonymous” regarding my recent Pig Roast 2009 post. I let that one marinate for awhile, wondering whether or not I should ignore it, delete it or if/how I should respond to it. I was actually surprised that it was the first time a militant (if a bit chromosomally-affluent) vegetarian has left a comment for me. A few of you have either emailed me about it or replied to it in the comments section. Thanks for the support and kind words, but I’ve decided to go ahead and respond.

Dear Anonymous (if that’s even your real name),

Nice chickenshit comment. Did it take you all day to think of that? You are a true wordsmith. I also love your cummingsian refusal to capitalize any letters in your sentence. Nice touch. Artsy.

Okay, first of all (this really gets my goat), it’s not an unborn child, it’s called a fetus. Say it: fee-tuss. A child cannot, by definition, be unborn. That’s your biology and semantics lesson of the day. Besides, my fetus doesn’t even have enough meat on him to fill a baguette, and would be a complete waste of fuel to try to barbecue. That fuel comes from trees and produces smoke which is bad for air quality. Try to think about the environment, m’kay?

Something like 95% of the world’s population eats meat (probably more). In much of the developing world, meat consumption is only limited by economics (i.e., more people in the world would eat meat if they could afford to). Vegetarianism is a fine dietary choice for many reasons, but it’s extremely ignorant and narrow-minded of you to suggest that every culture in the world that ingests animal protein is ethically wrong. Seriously, who the fuck are you? It reminds me a lot of how Christian missionaries coerced indigenous people into abandoning their culture and history by using fear and violence. You’re no better than those people. Here’s a tip, though: learning to accept that the world is a big, crazy place full of different types of people that you can’t and shouldn’t even want to change is the first step to growing as a human.

Actually, it’s interesting to me that you’ve targeted my blog, of all blogs. Ever hear of Tony Bourdain, dumbshit? Is it easier for you to see meat when it’s in a square or patty form? Is that a little easier for your delicate constitution to take? My blog is not the only omnivorous food blog out there, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’ve never read it before. If you had, you’d know a few things about me, such as:

• This is not the first pig roast I’ve had. Last year, we roasted a 100lb sow that we named Laura Palmer. She fed 50+ people, plus leftovers. She was, like this year’s pigs, raised sustainably, slaughtered as humanely as possible and treated with the utmost respect in death by being prepared with love and great care. True, buying and preparing meat en carcasse is not for the faint of heart – it forces you to come to terms with the fact that you’re eating an animal, not a tidily-packaged piece of protein. I’m fairly certain that if everyone had to buy meat this way, there’d be a lot more vegetarians in the world, at least in developed nations. Of course, there are plenty of vegetarians who, in something of a contradiction with their ethical choices, eat bizarre animal-like meat-substitute vegetable proteins (Tofurkey, Boca Burgers and “Chik Nuggets” come to mind) that are more processed than Velveeta and contain as many ingredients. At least I’m not in denial about what I eat.
• Your whole life is a phase I went through in high school. I became an animal rights activist when I was 15 (card carrying ALF and PETA member), and I was a vegetarian for ten years (though I craved meat the entire time). But instead of tossing lame comments from behind a shroud of internet anonymity, I actually did real animal rights shit like superglue and mace the doorknob of a local taxidermist and protest the circus by handing pamphlets that showed tortured elephants to children. Your technique is perhaps a bit more subtle, granted, but I’m still pretty sure I was a better animal rights activist than you’ll ever be.
• I don’t take bullshit from pussy internet fucktards like yourself, not even when I’m awash in the nurturing glow of maternity. This one is so obvious to everyone (I mean everyone) who knows me (on the internet and in real life) that it’s almost cute that you didn’t know.

To close, a quote from Patton Oswalt: “I enjoy steak too much because I hate hippies so much.”

Enjoy life at the bottom of the food chain, you fucking shitweasel.

Love, Heather